ARTIST LETTER NO. 25
The Roots of Resistance
Working on the solo brought something unexpected to the surface.
I've been in the studio this past week.
November 1st is fast approaching. I'm performing a reimagined version of "Broken," the opening of my Mapping the Heart project, at the Ailey Citigroup Theater in New York City. This piece has been with me for years, in process and my imagination, just waiting.
It's almost time.
But as I work, something has kept happening.
Resistance.
Not the dramatic kind, like a crisis or anything. But a quiet, familiar kind.
Procrastination. Forgetting. Being too busy. Telling myself I'd get to it tomorrow. Finding reasons to delay the very thing I said I wanted to do.
Resistance shows up like a dance partner to desire. The moment we have an inclination, a wish, an intention, there it is, right beside it. Waiting.
I don't think this is unusual. I think most of us know this dance.
But what is interesting to me this time was what I found when I dug a little deeper.
As I have shared in previous letters, when I make Dance Alchemy experiences or I hear Steve Roach's music, I see images. I channel movement. It comes through me, not from me.
But with this solo, I noticed I wasn't just stuck. I was resisting seeing. I wasn't willing — or maybe able — to let the full images arrive.
And when I sat with that, a memory surfaced.
I was five or six. On the playground at school. Fully expressed. Moving. Channeling something I couldn't name but could feel in my whole body.
And then the experience of humiliation. Being made fun of by my classmates.
The message hit my nervous system before I had words for it: When I do this, I'm not safe, or accepted.
Ironically, or perfectly, I've spent my adult life as a professional artist and performer. The very thing I know I'm here to do — to contribute, to express, to offer something to others through movement — is the same thing that, early on, felt forbidden. Scary. Unsafe.
No wonder the resistance shows up.
It's not laziness, or lack of discipline. It's protection. Old protection, from an old story, that no longer applies.
And this solo is reclamation.
I share this because I wonder if it's true for you, too.
Where in your life do you have an inclination, an inspiration, a want, and then feel resistance creeping in?
Not dramatically. Just quietly. The forgetting. The delaying. The "I'll get to it tomorrow."
And if you dig a little deeper, what's underneath?
Is there a younger version of you who made a decision, long ago, about what was safe? About what was allowed? About what would happen if you fully expressed yourself?
That decision made sense then. It protected you.
But it might not be true anymore.
What's waiting in you to be reclaimed?
With love,
Kristen
The Dance Alchemist
PS. If you'd like to join me for the show on Sunday, Nov 1st at 7pm (Ailey Citigroup Theater), I would love to see you there! There are only 30 tickets in my block, and this show always sells out. Grab a ticket before they're gone →